The newest 100 theme challenge topic is happiness, and I have to admit, this is a very difficult one for me. Happiness has been very hard to come by in recent years, what with our neighborhood going downhill and the inevitable moment when we realized that we were going to have to leave, as it was never going to get better. Being forced to flee one’s home against their will is bad enough, but it grows worse still when one starts to realize that the place to which we were forced to retreat may not be the safe haven we had hoped for. No, happiness is still not ours, nor has it been for a very long time. So…what would happiness be for me?
Well, I often dream about this room. I don’t have a clear picture of what it looks like. In fact, the room, and the building as a whole, change in every dream. The physical appearance is always different, but the one constant is the feeling. It feels…safe.
Happiness for me…is safety. I want to someday know that my home is safe. That I will never have to live in fear of my neighbors ever again. For the first time in well over a decade, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Furthermore, I want to know what stability feels like for the first time in my life. That the house in which I live is my home. And I want to know that I will never be forced from my home ever again. I want to know that I belong somewhere and that my home is a safe place where I can retreat, where the dangers of the outside world cannot touch me.
I know this is yet another darker post, dear readers, but happiness is just not something I can call a frequent companion at this moment in my life. I know what happiness is. And I think I know how I might one day have it. Though I have no idea what my home would look like, I know what it would feel like. It would exude that very same “safe” feel that I find in my dreams. It doesn’t have to be pretty or big or fancy. It just has to be a place where I can exist in peace. I hope I can have that someday. Until then, I might just have to settle for the safety that only exists in dreams.