Tag Archives: humor

Do You Know…The English Muffin Man?

As many of you may know by now, the Duck likes to bake.  That doesn’t mean I’m good at it or can devise cunning, new recipes that are entirely my own.  That also doesn’t imply that I own an apron that says, “Kiss the Cook” because…what, why’s that a thing?  (On a side note, never do what an apron tells you, especially an apron you have never met before.)  But I bake stuff sometimes.  And it’s fun.  And yet, considering I am in no way a professional baker, I am sometimes lacking the necessary supplies or the knowledge to find said supplies.  Honestly, it took me years to find almond paste.  Who knew it looks like a sausage and is packaged in a long, thin box?  What kind of sick game are they playing at! Continue reading Do You Know…The English Muffin Man?

Bonus Time: Bundt Conundrum

So, I was at Target the other day for milk and mounting putty (for putting stuff on the wall without the need for thumbtacks).  It was during a period of time during which I had temporarily lost the will to eat healthy, and I was looking at the various desserts they had available.  I was eyeing a pair of small Bundt cakes when I came upon a very baffling sticker and burst out laughing.  And now I present you all with a mini-challenge.  Please analyze the photo below and see if you can tell me what is wrong with this sticker.  Leave your thoughts in the comments below, dearies! Continue reading Bonus Time: Bundt Conundrum

Really Bad Jokes

This is a pretty old post that’s been lying around on my computer for many, many months, so I thought I’d just get it published so I don’t have to look at the ugly thing anymore. It lists a few cruddy jokes I came up with, most of which are several versions of the exact same thing because I’m ridiculous like that. It’s really bad, but here it is…. Continue reading Really Bad Jokes

Impractical Races, Cats, and Robots: This Post Has It All

Around the night of 11/11, and some other nights that I lost track of, I’ve been getting a lot of weird dreams. I remember one where one of my cats was back, and it looked like Alex, my chubby kitty, but acted like Arwen, my friendly Manx. I have a lot of dreams, in fact, where my pets return to me, including a rat I lost about a decade ago (I’ve looked everywhere, but I just can’t find him…), and I either realize we had the pet all along and forgot, or the pet just appeared back in our house one day. In this particular dream, I woke up early in the morning in my current house to find this cat, and I went to put out food and water for it (even though I no longer own any cat food; it really doesn’t taste that good), but my mom had already done so. She actually put out two bowls of water and two of food even though it was just one cat, in the very same manner as the days when we used to have two. Continue reading Impractical Races, Cats, and Robots: This Post Has It All

Kitten Rentals

I have a really stupid idea for a business. It’s one I wish existed, but it’s still…really stupid. The idea is, well, you see…kitten rentals. That’s right, kitten rentals. Have you ever thought to yourself, I really want to snuggle with a great, big pile of kittens, without the commitment of purchasing copious amounts of the cottony felines? Well, I have. I have thought about this a lot, about as much as I obsess over my next visit to the bakery, which is also a lot, and there are times I have this overwhelming urge to just scoop up a zillion, large-headed, mewing kittens and snuggle with them. But, I see no practical way of doing this, aside from befriending someone in possession of a large number of kittens, whom you can use for a time for their kitteny goodness, and then fake your death once the kittens grow up and you have no need of their services anymore. Continue reading Kitten Rentals

Going to the Faire With Penny from “Big Bang Theory”

I have a lot of dreams about the Renaissance Faire.  You see…I love Ren. Faires (it’s such a long word to write!).  Love them.  And I am most fortunate that I live near a good one, as it is actually pretty hard to find a decent one that consists of actual buildings and not simply tents.  Because tents make me sad.  They make me think of camping, a pastime I am not fond of, even if I’ve never tried it.  (There are apparently many wild beasts in the woods.  Such as lions.  Tigers.  Bears.  Oh, my, and let’s not forget sharks!)  Ahem, anyway, since I love these most delightful faires (my computer claims I’m spelling that wrong, but I’m really not…I think), it’s no wonder they manage to work their way into my subconscious quite often.

There are several themes to these dreams, too (that was a lovely poem I did just there).  Many times, I realize I have forgotten to wear my costume, but being a dream, I somehow manage to make it appear on me with mere thought alone, which is very convenient, considering getting here is an hour long drive.  I also dream that I go with my parents, as we all love this most enjoyable event, but we get split up, and I end up spending the rest of my time wandering about alone, looking at various snacks to eat and things to buy, with either the quandary of lacking funds with which to purchase these goodies or with too many sweets that look appealing and a body that doesn’t exactly want to be subjected to such an extreme level of sugar. Continue reading Going to the Faire With Penny from “Big Bang Theory”

The Duck Doesn’t Do the Cookin’ By the Book

Even though I hear that I “gotta”.  (While that title appears to be a reference to a song from the child’s TV show, “Lazy Town”, it is not.  Well, okay, it is, but only because it was mentioned in the wonderful “Kingdom Hearts” fan fic, “Those Lacking Spines”.)  Ahem, sometimes, I like to try my hand at baking.  But, to be quite honest, I’m not a very good chef.  At all.  I don’t know what I do wrong, because even if I follow all the directions, everything I cook usually turns out nothing like it should.  (My frozen pizzas taste like cinnamon.  What unholy sorcery is this?!)  Okay, maybe I do know sometimes why my concoctions turn out disturbing.  Maybe it’s because I…well, sometimes I skip directions.  I mean, how different can it be if I just stir in the egg or the butter without beating it first or whatever other sadistic thing they want me to do to it?  And okay, I guess that sometimes, maybe perhaps, I suppose I leave out an entire ingredient.  Like eggs.  But, hey, I didn’t have any eggs at the time, so back off!  Ahem, sorry.  So, I guess you can say that I like to experiment (if you want to put it nicely and not just go right out and say I’m just a failure at following directions).  I can be a bit of a mad scientist in the kitchen at times, well, not really, but a little bit, and as a result, I have baked some rather distressing creations.

Take my eggless cupcakes, for example.  I decided I’d try making cupcakes, and with it being one of those days my house was lacking in the pre-chicken department, I thought I’d replace the liquid for the eggs with milk.  Because replacing one product from the really cold aisle of the grocery store with another such item that is usually found nearby shouldn’t make much of a difference, now should it?  Well, we all know the answer to that question, but I’ll answer it anyway.  Wrong!  For some unexplainable reason, this did not work.  These cupcakes, while tasting okay, were also utterly destroyed upon removing them from their liners, as they were so…sticky.  Who knew replacing eggs with milk would make cupcakes like glue?  Well, I do now.  Luckily, my eggless peanut butter cookies turned out fine.  However, regular cookies turn out runny without eggs, I found. Continue reading The Duck Doesn’t Do the Cookin’ By the Book

100 Theme Blog Challenge No. 13: Misfortune

Today’s topic for the most exciting 100 theme challenge is #13, misfortune, and I suppose that makes sense, with it being #13 and all. Hmm, well, what do I have to say about misfortune? It’s certainly unfortunate, that much is for sure. Um, and it’s…bad…? Well, I’m certainly not going to get into some negative post about misfortune in my life because who wants to hear about that? And I also don’t mean, oh, woe is me, no one cares about my problems anyway. Now I’m starting to ramble….

You know what came to mind as I began thinking about this topic? Why is the number 13 supposed to be unfortunate? I hear they often don’t even have a 13th floor in some buildings as a result of this superstition, but who are they fooling? We all know the 14th floor really is the 13th. This is no secret. It certainly made no difference in Stephen King’s story about the evil room 1408. Even the room wasn’t fooled, and it’s an inanimate object. Or, to be more accurate, cube-ish shaped spaces of air contained by walls. And if walls could talk, they’d say, “Um, is it just me, or did the people who built this hotel not know how to count?” Don’t worry, sentient walls, we all noticed. Continue reading 100 Theme Blog Challenge No. 13: Misfortune

Cabinets: Another Weird Duck Dream

The night of March 26, I had a rather spooky dream. You see, I’ve been hearing a lot of weird noises in my house lately, plus I had spent the last hour before naptime writing a scene from a fan fiction story where a girl sees something in the woods (aren’t you impressed with my originality…?), which turned out to be a rather bad thing to focus on during a time of day bearing a less than cheery reputation. And so, once my duck mind began its usual routine of slumbering, I found myself in a dreamscape that looked just like my house. I was in a room, playing a “Ratchet and Clank” game, when I heard someone messing about with the cabinets in my kitchen. I paused the game (which looked strangely fuzzy and distorted, and if I wasn’t currently worrying about the potential of a murderer or ninja in my kitchen, I’d probably be driven into a panic over the state of my TV). And I listened. With my ears. And it was confirmed, I was definitely hearing something, and yet, I never heard someone come in. No door or window opening. No alarm. Surely no one can be in here, because how in the world did they do so without my knowledge? Then, it occurred to me that I had been hearing noises for some time now, and I pondered over the chilling possibility that, perhaps, they had been in my house this whole time….

In a manner that was either quite brave or super foolhardy, I left the room and went into the kitchen, and while I found no one here, there were sure signs that an intruder had been present, as my…junk drawer, of all things, was open! Okay, so someone was definitely here, but where are they now, I asked the scissors quivering with terror in my tampered-with storage receptacle. But, not really. But, seriously, though, where were they? Deciding it was time to make a timely and very prudent exit, I grabbed my cellphone and went into the garage. Once inside my vehicular transport, the Duck Mobile, but not really, I opened the phone and called the police, leaving the phone as it rang on speaker on the seat beside me as I backed out of the driveway, as this seemed like a most cunning way of driving while talking on the phone, without the danger of a collision. I then proceeded to tell them of the threat within my abode, while I began to drive around the neighborhood as I waited for them to arrive. Continue reading Cabinets: Another Weird Duck Dream

Pet Names

I’m probably a bit of a weirdo, but I really like thinking up names for pets. It’s kind of a mini hobby of mine, even if it’s a bit pointless, considering I currently have no pets, I don’t plan on getting more, and even if I did, I just know I’ll never have enough critter-companions with which to assign all these names to. Nevertheless, I decided I’d get this surplus of names written down in a post so I could share the fun with you all.

First off, I have found that words for food always make good names for pets. It’s true. Don’t argue. I would like to name a pig Chorizo, but I don’t know what kind of creature should be called Schnitzel…. But, something should be. It would only be right. I also thought it would be rather hilarious to name a pair of pets Wasabi and Ginger, after that weird globby stuff you always get with sushi at Japanese restaurants. I also think Hombre, the Spanish word for “man”, would be a great name for a pet, though that one would obviously need to be reserved for a dude pet. And Clip Clop would be the perfect name for a horse, especially those little Shetland ponies (oh, my gosh, aren’t those adorable?!). And names of books of the Bible would be great, too. Especially 2 Timothy, which is made all the more awesome because I once had a cat named Timmy. So if I got another pet and named it the same thing, I could then dub it 2 Timothy. (I don’t think I’d want to name any pets Revelations, though. That book was far too terrifying.) And I also watch far too much “MST3K” (I’m not telling you what that stands for…), so I would totally love to name another pet pair Dr. Forrester and TV’s Frank. Especially TV’s Frank. Is that not the greatest name ever? And yes, sometimes I also enjoy actual human names, as well. Some of my favorites for pets include Gertrude, Gretchen, Myrtle, Edmund, and such names as that. You know, the ones that aren’t used as often.

And my favorite names of all…titles, which I have saved for last. I would love to name a pet the Professor, or the Sherriff, or even the Doctor, which is also great because it’s like I’m naming it after Dr. Who, and who’s to say I’m not? More delightful names include the Colonel, the Lieutenant, Sarge, the General. And Cap’n. Or Captain, but Cap’n’s probably better. And the Duke, perhaps. And Baron Hair would be a great name for a pet adorned with copious amounts of fluff, while a lovely lady critter could be named Ma’am or Mademoiselle. Aw, I can just see dainty, little Mademoiselle now. So cute… Even if she’d probably be a bit snooty.

All right, so there you have it, even if this was a rather weird post. But, it was fun, right? The answer is yes! What about you? What kind of names do you like for pets?

Would it Be Weird to Name a Pet “the Duck”?