Back When the Duck Was Kind of a Cyborg

Just a warning to inform you that this post contains all manner of sarcasm and complaining, but in no way am I dissing the people related to my topic.  Except for the ones that directly wronged me.  They will forever be on my “People That Made Me Sad” list.

            All right, now to the official start of this here post, a fine piece of literature if there ever was one.  And there was, so what does that mean?  Anyway, it seems like everybody’s had them at one point or another.  No, not pimples.  Or hangnails.  Not headaches, either, would you let me talk!  Gosh!  Ahem, for whatever reason, almost everyone, at least in this country, has had braces.  There seems to be this thing in the United States where we’re obsessed with our teeth.  They need to be straightened with braces.  They need to be whitened.

            The whitening, I don’t understand, as teeth are naturally a white color.  I mean, who is born with purple teeth or green?  Okay, you’re not born with teeth, they come in later, but you get my point.  And when people make them too white, it can look silly.  I’m surprised we’re not expected to bleach our eyes now.  Your eyes are not quite enough!  Make them whiter!

            Braces seem to be overkill most of the time, too.  My teeth don’t need to have the straightness of a computer-animated human being.  Their teeth may be perfect.  Because they are fake.  (I was just noticing the other day how nice the teeth are of the characters from “Kingdom Hearts”.  No mere mortal can attain the perfection of their teeth, though, because as I said, these people don’t exist.  The Nobodies, especially, because…okay, rambling.)  But, honestly, I don’t fall for the notion that God messed up on everyone’s teeth, and it is the orthodontist’s job to fix every person’s chompers.  Seriously.  We have kids with braces on their baby teeth, and once those fall out, they have braces on their adult teeth.  What is the point in straightening temporary teeth?  And why have braces become the new fad?  Anyway, I was one of those people that was unwillingly subjected to braces, during 9^th grade, which was already pretty dreadful.  And let me tell you, it is awful.  You look on the Internet, and everyone claims, no, having your teeth pushed back and forth through solid bone doesn’t hurt at all.  Are you kidding me?  How about I stick my hand into your chest and pull out a rib?  Shouldn’t hurt one bit, right?

            Wrong!  Braces do hurt.  They hurt really quite terribly.  Every single time they tighten it, the pain is excruciating.  Then, anytime you put the slightest pressure on it the first week or two after, it feels like someone has shoved knives all along the circumference of each tooth and into your gums.  And then, often times, my teeth would stay sore until the next appointment, where the pain would then increase right back up to unbearable levels.  I went full days without eating because it was too painful.  You couldn’t even eat soft stuff.  I wanted to comfort myself with some hardcore tilapia and macaroni and cheese, but no, even those were too hard for me.  But, hey, if such depravation is your idea of a good time, then by all means, get some braces.  It seems most people find such things quite pleasant, though I, for one, really do not.  I am not a masochist.

            And then after a year of having these braces, I went to a different orthodontist, who found that the previous people had it all wrong.  I had too many teeth (which we had been saying for years, but no one would do anything about it when we brought it up), so they took the wires off, and I had eight teeth pulled.  I then got to enjoy a whole new kind of pain, as my face swelled and turned yellow.  And then the process of braces began anew.  But, now I had stitches in my mouth from the surgery, which apparently went unnoticed by the new people now tightening my braces, who then proceeded to catch stitches in their tools and rip them out.  Thank you.  I was finding it very inconvenient, having gaping holes in my mouth kept closed with stitches.  Please rip them out so those gaping holes will open again.  Yes, thank you so much.

            And then they devised a new method to torture me.  Tiny rubber bands.  Called moose rubber bands, probably because, after putting them in, it felt like a moose had kicked in your face.  Also a great experience, according to the Internet, I think.  Now I had the fortune of not only having sore teeth, but having tiny rubber bands that would then pull at these already tender teeth.  Oh, joy and a bag of chips (which I can’t eat)!  They’re also terribly hard to put on, and once they’re on, they don’t stay on.  The orthodontist said to leave them on at all times.  My mom didn’t think he meant this, but I wanted these braces off as soon as possible, and I was by no means skimping on the rules.  Keep them on, oh, I’ll keep them on.  This turned out to be an effort in futility, as talking and eating caused them to fling across the room.  Great, now I look like a moron, too.  But, you couldn’t say I wasn’t obedient.  I was obedient to the point of mad fits of rage, I was.

            Eventually, even more sadistic rubber bands were given to me.  Impala rubber bands.  With a little picture of whatever an impala is on the bag.  (Probably because with these, you would choose death by impaling over wearing them.)  They were even smaller.  Even less forgiving.  I had the braces on for a good three years by then, I think.  And by this point, my teeth would go too far one way, then, they’d go too far the other.  We didn’t seem to be making any progress, and the demon bands were killing me.  Month after month, and the orthodontist would then move my teeth left to compensate for them going to the right to far, and then he’d have them go right when they ended up too far left.

            Finally, enough was enough.  Demon bands, I denounce thee!  We told them to just take it off.  We don’t care if my teeth are perfect, just floss-able and brush-able.  They finally agreed, and you know what?  Having braces removed is the worst part.  I am not kidding you.  They used this thing to grind off the glue, and it felt like a knife made of ice was stabbing right through my teeth.  It became unbearable, and I really didn’t know how I was going to stand it much longer.  Somehow I did because I am totally brave, but not really, I was a sobbing infant inside.  And somehow no one lost any fingers because I was in a biting mood.  It would have hurt me more than them, but oh, did I want to bite someone.

            After that, I got these bizarre retainers, a wire one and a plastic one.  I ended up talking with a lisp for a year due to those things, while being informed I was not allowed to drink anything but water for a year, so as not to stain the retainer.  Why the heck do I care if the retainer stains?  Why in the world would that matter?  Needless to say, I didn’t obey these particular rules, and the retainer never did stain.  I am not giving up my juice and my milk.  No way.  And now I’m finally free.  I used to wear them here and there, but I’m done now.  Completely and utterly done.  My teeth were actually quite sensitive to cold a year or more after the braces wee taken off, but now I finally feel better.  Finally.  And I never, ever have to see that scary stuffed animal whale with the human teeth and braces again.  I hated that thing.  I hated it so much.

The Duck That Used to Have Metal Fused to My Face, Which Isn’t Cool Like it Sounds