My cat, Arwen, has been having issues for years. Diarrhea. Making messes all over. But, she seemed fine. I thought she just had runny potty. But, last night, it was worse. This morning, it was worse. She dripped all over and threw up. Went to the emergency place. We can’t seem to get her better. The vet or anyone. It seems to be irritable bowel right now, though the special food for it doesn’t work. They said it would turn into stomach cancer if it hasn’t already. It always does. So they put her down. I didn’t say goodbye because I didn’t want to say it, and she wouldn’t know anyway, but I pet her. Got her paw prints in clay first, too. Clay in the shape of a heart, with little things put into it. Her name, little cat shapes and a daisy and a glittery heart. And that’s that.
Sometime later, I’ll do more. I wasn’t prepared, and it’s unexpected, but I’ll write more about her another time. I was afraid this would happen. Last night, I said I’d get a video camera. I would take all kinds of pictures. I haven’t in a while. I would also take all kinds of videos. I have none. I’d take videos of her playing, running to me, moving the blankets around on my bed. I would always be able to see her. See how she walked, shaking her tailless behind back and forth. Always remember what she sounded like. Her meow a trill that I’ve never heard from any other cat. A sound I may never be able to hear again. I was going to play with her extra and give her extra love, and she’d be the happiest she ever was. But, I didn’t.
I had her just over nine years. She should’ve lived longer. Alex is four years older and fine. And I wonder if he notices. They never got along, but I wonder if he notices the difference. I’ll never know because he has no way of showing it. And even with my regrets, I’ll still likely not take more pictures or videos of him, either. Just days ago, Arwen waited in the bathroom for me around bed time. She knows I always go to the bathroom before bed, so she waited in there. But, I didn’t pet her with my hands, just my feet. I didn’t want cat hair on my hands. I pet her with my feet and talked a little, and then I went to bed. She looked disappointed, but I just went to bed.
So right now, my eyes burn, and I wish it was a few days ago. If I had known, I would’ve stayed up with her that night instead of going to sleep. I would’ve stayed up and pet her until she got bored of me and left on her own. I regret all the times I got mad at her or didn’t give her much attention because I was too busy on the computer or I wanted to play my video games. I wish I could pet her again. Sometimes, I just stand quietly, and I make myself believe I did come home with her this morning, and I let her out of her carrier, and she’s just under the bed. I’ll look under later, and there she’ll be. I actually believed it for a second, not long after coming home. I pet Alex, and as I walked towards the other side of the house, I wondered for a moment if I’d find Arwen, but then I remembered.
They say cats don’t have souls. No animals do. But, when we get to heaven, will there be no animals there? I’ve sometimes wondered. And so I hope maybe they will be there. Heaven’s the greatest place, after all, so why would animals be confined only to our times when we were alive? I just wonder if there’s any chance Arwen will be there. And all the other animals. Olimar the rat. And Imhotep the fish. And the pets I lost as a duckling.
But anyway, I’ll be back with more on her later.