What the Duck Wants in the Next SSB

Quit a while back, I heard rumors from various Youtube videos about the next “Super Smash Bros.”.  There was apparently a “leaked” title for the game and new playable characters.  While some of this, if not all, is false, it is indeed true that Nintendo is working on another “SSB” for the Wii U, so I thought I’d write about what I think should be in the next game.  (Some of my suggestions are more serious than others.)

            First of all, the most important part.  The list of characters that should be in the next game.  Plus characters I’m suggesting just because.  The top character I want in the game would be Ghirahim, one of the main villains from “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword”.  Because he’s awesome.  He’s a master swordsman.  He’s skilled in magic.  And even when he’s unarmed, he kicks my butt (not literally, that would’ve been strange).  And he’s a fun character (not to mention, I just know he would have great taunts).  He’s crazy and flamboyant and just plain weird, and I think he would make a really fun playable character for the next game.  (And he would add that his “stunning features” are another reason he should be in the next game.  Not sure if that’s what Nintendo’s looking for, though.)

            I also want King K. Rool from “Donkey Kong”, a fat, banana-loving crocodile that can apparently throw his crown like a boomerang and make ridiculously huge cannonballs fall from the sky (which should’ve destroyed his ship, but anyway).  And in “DKC2”, he had a blunderbuss.  Woo.  I’ve wanted this guy in “SSB” forever.  He almost made it into “Brawl”, I heard, but they chose King Dedede instead.  Okay, so now that Dedede’s already in “SSB”, let K. Rool in now.  Then, I’ll use him to beat the snot out of Dedede.  Not that I dislike Dedede, but I like K. Rool better.  And we have “Mario” and “Zelda” villains, why not a “Donkey Kong” villain?  Why not, Nintendo?  And the reptile population is grossly underrepresented in this game.  Seriously.  (And Solid Snake doesn’t count.  He’s a human.)

            And now for some less serious suggestions.  Also from “Donkey Kong”, I would like to see Dixie Kong.  She was always my favorite good character in the series.  She’s adorable, can use her long ponytail to fly like a helicopter, and chews bubble gum.  All great qualities.  Plus, she hasn’t been awesome since 1995 or 1996.  Make Dixie awesome again!  She deserves it.

            I also kind of want Shadow from the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series.  I don’t think they ever should’ve included non-Nintendo characters, but since they did, and they included Sonic, they should include Shadow.  (And seriously, give Sonic some actual attacks.  Ooh, look at me, I’m fast and can jump with that spring thing.  Yeah, we’re all impressed.)  Shadow is awesome (I really need to stop using that word), and I think he’s much cooler than Sonic, even though the two are pretty similar.  Heck, just replace Sonic with Shadow.

            And maybe Knuckles, also from “Sonic the Hedgehog”, would be good, too.  Because Knuckles is cool.  He can punch and stuff.  And glide.  I don’t know why an echidna (not to be confused with an enchilada; have I used that joke before?) can glide, but it makes him nifty.  Sonic can’t glide.  He can just run fast and jump with that spring thing.

            And when it comes to characters I don’t want, please.  Please.  Please make Jigglypuff go away.  Please.  I’m happy Dr. Mario is gone, but make Jigglypuff go away forever.  She is the worst character in the world and no one likes her and she’s weak and pointless and I just don’t want to have to look at her anymore.  What have I ever done to you, Nintendo!  I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!

            And I also hate Mr. Game.  He’s just a simple, 2D, cartoony person silhouette.  I know I like to use him to attack people with a pan of hot sausages (don’t we all?), but that’s not enough to make me like him.  I never will.  I refuse to like him.  I cross my arms and just plain refuse.

            And now for some random suggestions.  They need to do something to make Fox, Falco, and Wolf not identical.  Or just get rid of two.  They’re the same darn thing!  And stop making it possible to see Captain Falcon’s nipples through his clothes!  The trauma!  Also, make Midna (from “The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess”) an assist trophy.  Don’t know what she’d do.  But, she’s cute.  Isn’t that reason enough?  And since I see lots of people on Youtube seem to like Groose (from “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword”), they should make him an assist trophy, as well.  He has the Groosenator, after all.  And most of all, they must have something that was like Subspace Emissary from “Brawl”.  That made me a very happy piece of poultry.

            Well, those are all my suggestions.  Hopefully no one is cross at me, especially any Sonic fans out there.  (But, all he can do is run fast and jump with that spring thing!)  I’m sure Nintendo will ignore most, if not all, of my pretty wonderful suggestions, but whatever.  As long as Ghirahim is a playable character, I will be satisfied.  If not, Nintendo better watch out.  I’ll mail my gassy cat to them, and she’ll stink up everything (she is truly vile sometimes).  You’ve been warned.  Nintendo.

            On a side note, Carl was kind enough to have me do a guest post on his blog.  Thanks very much!  How exciting.  If you want to see it, it is here, and while you’re at it, check out the rest of his fine blog.

Super Duck Brothers…and Sisters


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