Happy Christmas, everyone! Finally the time of year to give presents (and better yet, get presents), spend time with family, and eat food again, as if we didn’t do that a month ago. It’s a happy time of year, but there are some parts of it I just don’t understand.
Why on Earth do we tell children that a large man breaks into our house every Christmas Eve night? Why? That sounds truly terrifying. This enormous man dressed in red flies through the sky thanks to some flying deer, and do you ever wonder why the deer can fly? Are they supernatural deer? Or is this thanks to some horrible black magic? Is Santa a dark mage? And then after that, he goes down your chimney. There’s no way you can keep this guy out. The doors are locked, but never fear, he’ll still get in. And if you don’t have a chimney, your parents tell you that he’ll find another way. There’s no keeping Santa out. If he wants you, he’ll get you.
And how come he knows if you’re nice or naughty? Does he watch you? Tap your phone lines? Why is it wrong for the government to do it, but Santa can get away with it? Why is it wrong for that creepy guy watching you from across the parking lot to stalk you, but Santa can watch you all year, judge you, and then put your name on a list? Why does he even know your name? And your address? What company is selling our private information to Santa?
And what about the sweatshop that is the North Pole? Do those elves even get paid? Or does he just work them and work them all year long making presents that he gets all the credit for? Someone needs to go up there and liberate the elves. Why don’t we see elves anywhere else? Has he imprisoned an entire race?
Has anyone thought of this? Am I the only one that is disgusted with this shady character that is Santa? Probably. Everyone loves him because he leaves behind delightful gifts. Apparently that’s enough. I guess I must fight back myself.
The Duck’s Watching You, Santa