A Sneak Peek

Thys Le Roux wanted a sneak preview of my comic, so I decided I’d put up some of draft 2 of issue 1 of my June comic.  Someday, I may put up the whole issue, but I may not put up the rest of the comic.  I want to try and get the comic published someday, and I don’t think they’ll publish it if the whole thing’s on the Internet for free.  (If I change my mind or can’t publish the comic at all, though, I’ll put the whole thing up.)  Anyway, here we go.  This is what I have so far.  (I’m writing it kind of in a script type format, with some of the action in parentheses.  Oh, and June’s brother has no name yet.)  Oh, and all this is my property.

             So Now the Duck Presents: June’s Currently Nameless Issue 1 of Her Equally as Nameless Comic, Draft 2

             We enter the room of a red-headed young woman named June, about age 19 or so, sleeping peacefully.  It is 7 in the morning.  A lamp floats by.  And then crashes to the floor, waking her.  She sits up and looks at the mess.

June: Oh, crap!

            She shuffles down the hallway of the small apartment she shares with her older brother, of about age 20 or 21.  She finds him sitting in the kitchen.

Brother: Break something again?

June: Maybe.  (she steals his toast)

Brother: Were you going to look for a job today?  (he gets up to clean a plate)

June: I don’t see the point.  I get fired every time ‘cuz my weird powers always get me in trouble.  (she sits down and munches on her toast)

Brother: I agreed to move away from home with you so you could have a fresh start.  This isn’t really…

June: Gosh, be quiet!  You’re my brother, not my mom!

Brother: Well, I guess I’ll be going.  (to work, which I need to get across better)  And clean the crumbs off the table when you’re done.

June: (she looks down at the mess she made) Yeah, bye bye.

            Scene 2, June is sitting in the living room and thinking.

June: What am I gonna do?  I’m never gonna control…  (just then, the TV pops on)

News Person: …no sign of the men who allegedly attacked the 14 year old boy 2 weeks ago.  Police say it’s like they vanished…

June: (grabs the remote and turns it off)  Gah, not again!

            Then, she hears a knock on the door and looks up.

June: (she gets up and opens the door as she’s saying)  If you’re salespeople again, we don’t want your…

            There is no one outside the door.  She looks around and only finds a small envelope on the floor.  She picks it up, goes inside, and takes it out.  She unfolds it and reads:

June: “Meet me in the old city.  I may have the answers you need.”  (she looks it over but sees no name)  Must be some trick.  Not funny.

            She goes into the kitchen and throws it out, then sees another note stuck on the window.  She opens the window.

June: Hey, who’s out here?  (after no reply, she retrieves the note)  “I’m not joking.  Don’t make me leave another.”  Old city?  (she looks out the window)  Fine.

            June gets dressed, arms herself with pepper spray, and stuffs the notes in her pocket (she retrieved the first one from the trash).  She almost leaves, then, stays to leave a note on the kitchen table that reads, “Gone to the old city.  I’m sure I’ll be back first, but I know how you are.  June.”

            June leaves the apartment, headed for the old city.

June (thinking): The old city, huh?  Isn’t that where the buildings got so big, they sunk into the ground?  Why there?

            As June walks, the streets get emptier, and she sees more creepy people around, leering at her as she goes by.  Eventually, she reaches a more open area, I was thinking like the roof of a building that sunk far below the others.  She looks around and sees no one.  Then, suddenly, a tall man is there, with bandages or something all over his face and something going over one eye.  He is holding some strange weapon.

Philosopher: You’ve come.

June: (holds out the notes) So is this yours?

Philosopher: Precisely.  I know all about you, June.

June: How?  I…Who are you?

Philosopher: I am the Philosopher.

June: Philosopher?

Philosopher: Yes, I seek knowledge.  The truth.  And I have some truth for you.

June: Do you now?

Philosopher: Yes, I know about your skills.  About what you can do.

June: What I can do?  (steps forward)  Like what?

Philosopher: You know exactly what.  Your ability to change your environment with your mind.  You just haven’t learned to control it yet.

June: That’s all?  Even I knew that.

Philosopher: I know your powers are very weak now, but I know how you can learn to control them.  Improve them.

June: Yeah, right.  Y’know, you still didn’t tell me who you were.

Philosopher: Just a man who seeks knowledge.  Tell me, June, what do you know of philosophy?

June: What’s that have to do with anything?

Philosopher: I can help you with your problem if you can help me….

June: I…I don’t know.  (looks around nervously)

Philosopher: June, what would you say about war?  When it leads to death, but ends a conflict, is it really wrong?

June: Well, yeah, of course!

Philosopher: Why?

June: I mean, it’s war!

Philosopher: What about a disaster?  It can cause people that never got along to work together for a common goal.

June: (thinking)  Still…bad.  I don’t think the result matters.

Philosopher: But, why not?  Is it not the effects that determine whether an action or event is wrong or not?

June: Uh…what?  I…I don’t know.

Philosopher: Well, June, will you help me?

June: What do you want?  (guarded)

Philosopher: I want to help a world that’s lost.  I can tell you little else now.

June: I don’t…  (backs up)  I’ll have to think about it.

Philosopher: Understandable, but I can’t give you much time.  Or else, I may have to find someone else.  (he reaches for something at his belt, June is afraid, but he just takes out another note in an envelope)  Then, meet me at the specified time and place if you wish to join me.  (he tosses it to her and she catches it)  Remember, June, I am the only one that knows the secret to your powers.  (he points to the sky)  You’d best be going.

June: (she looks up and sees nothing)  Hey…  (he is gone)  What?  (she looks around, then starts to return home, looking back)

            That is where I leave you.  Any suggestions for improvement?  Details to add?  Things that were unclear?  Anything in general you would like to see in my story?  What kind of things do you look for in a good story?  Anything you liked?  Do you like mashed potatoes or baked? Wait, that’s a bit off topic.  But, I’d like your input so this can be the best story ever.  Ever, darn it.

Duck Version 2

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4 thoughts on “A Sneak Peek

  1. 1. She should be taken aback that he know’s so much about her. 2. She is hesitant even a bit fearful. 3. Why has he chosen her? Reveal to reader but not June. 4. He must have something she needs or wants to lure her into cooperating. What will that be? 5. Will you weave brother into the mystery? His involvement should be gradual. 6. Will she have other characters to trust and help? 7. I would include these aspects in a few words as you can adding that so far. He has baited her. I think that helps bait or hook the reader as well. It has hooked me. You may want to read “Stalemate” by Iris Johansen. Similar plot with female protagonist. This would not be to copy plot but to see how this author lets the intrigue increase . In a novel we would expect to see more description, metaphor, simile. But since this is illustrated I would NOT complicate the text with this type of things.

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    1. 1. Yes, I should get that across more.
      5. I do plan on putting the brother in more, but I’m still working on making him important. I don’t want him to be a useless extra character like he pretty much was in draft 1.
      6. There will be others, but I can’t reveal yet what role they will play….
      Thank you very much for your help. I must write this down in my notes. I’m glad I have something to hook the readers.

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  2. Good points from Carl.
    She seems a bit too mellow for all the confusion in her life – but you do seem to be trying to give her a mellow vibe, so I guess that is part of her personality.
    The way she changes her environment could be shown in a starker way.
    Definitely an intriguing set-up though – philosophy is a good way of exploring moral dilemmas and choices – it is also a way to leave undetermined the question of whether the philosopher is a force for good or ill….

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    1. Thank you for your help. I had a bit of a problem with June’s personality. I like her personality, and it resulted in some fun scenes later on, but you are right. Maybe it doesn’t quite fit in with what’s going on in her life. Perhaps I need to make some changes.
      Could you give me an example of how I can fix the issue with June’s powers? I’ve had trouble with that.

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