I used to have a green thumb. Don’t worry, nothing was wrong with me. But once, long ago, I had this pot in the backyard, and I would dig things up, flowers, clover, anything that interested me, plant it in that pot, and they would grow to huge proportions. Some plants would grow very tall, and the clovers would get quite large, with big white flowers. It may have had a special fertilizer, I’m not sure, but nevertheless, I was quite proud. It was a lovely miniature garden, but for some reason, that all changed.
I used to have this lovely cactus named Jim (I think someone in a TV show had one with the same name). He was my first indoor plant. He had one big middle part with smaller parts around it, with made him look like a bizarre hand. Around each needle were these kind of flowery, for lack of a better word, white things. He was such a pretty cactus, and he lasted a decent time, but eventually, he started to sag. I just couldn’t water him the right amount. I think I even tried watering much less, but once he stated to droop, nothing would stop his impending demise. I propped him up as best as I could, but eventually, he was just a sad mess. I later got a tall cactus named Andre. He did well for a while, but when I replanted him in a better pot, he later started to take a turn, as well. Good by, Andre. I also had a prickly pear named Prickly Pete. I tried to water very little, but he still started to droop, and now he is also gone.
I tried to keep a plum bonsai named Methuselah alive, but that didn’t last long. I lasted a decent time with a bonsai named Raphael that looked a bit like a mangrove tree. I read I was supposed to trim it, so I would, but the ends of the branches would bleed a white liquid, and it eventually died.
I also had this plant with these strange looking flowers. It died. I also had snapdragons and these peppers that I assume weren’t for eating. Dead and dead. My bamboo also didn’t do super well, either. I also had a Venus fly trap. All I had to feed them was some dead ants I found. It was quite exciting to drop the ant in and see the plant close, but it never opened again. I tried it with one or two more of its mouths, and they never opened again, either. Guess what happened next. Yep, they died, too.
I once planted two seeds from a star fruit, and I think I did a decent job this time, considering that trees probably aren’t easy to grow from seedhood. I waited a long time, and just when I was ready to give up, I saw a tiny thing sticking up. A small white loop of a stalk, and eventually one end began to emerge with two green leaves. It started to grow very quickly, and sometimes, I could even watch it, and it would move right in front of me. Eventually, it died, shriveled up, I think. Its companion grew less than it did, then it died, as well.
One of my biggest successes since the tiny garden was a sago palm bonsai. By that time, I didn’t bother with a name. It grew this ridiculously long palm frond. It started out as a long green stalk, then, it grew curls which became leaves. After that, it stopped growing, but lived a year or more. When I tried cutting off the old bits, though, it died.
All orchids I tried to take care of died even faster than anything.
One strange thing I learned with taking care of plants is the suggested maintenance always seems to kill them. Trimming, replanting, adding fertilizer. Sometimes, the plants do fine until I actually try to take care of them. I think the people writing the directions are trying to sabotage me.
The Duck with the Thumb of Death