Now in Color

I recently beat a very short game, “Sonic Colors”.  It took 7 hours and 6 minutes (and I think 7 seconds).  But, if I hadn’t dilly dallied at times, it would have been even less.  So short.  Anyway, plot-wise, apparently Dr. Eggman built a huge amusement park in space that he says is to make up for all the cruddy things he did in the past.  Luckily, since our hero, Sonic, is not a total moron, he doesn’t fall for it.  Of course, Eggman is indeed up to something quite immoral, including imprisoning a race of aliens called Wisps.  Throughout the game, Sonic uses their color powers to do neat things, like climb up walls, fly, and drill through the ground, which really has no relation to the color, but we’re probably not supposed to question that.

            The game is fun, but kind of silly.  (And seriously, what is Eggman’s obsession with amusement parks?  They’ve been in at least 3 games now.)  But, my biggest complaint besides some very…not great dialogue was that it had one thing that could’ve maybe redeemed the less-than-great plot, and they just…didn’t do it.  I don’t like to spoil things, but it needs discussing.  If you don’t want anything spoiled, skip ahead.  I’ll mark the offending paragraphs clearly for you with traffic cones and police tape.  If I had some.  For now, please accept second best.

SPOILERS START HERE

            Okay, we’re in dangerous territory now.  If you don’t want spoilers, run towards the emergency exits now!  Run, darn you!  If not, you must suffer the consequences of being in such close proximity to this duck’s opinions.  Side effects may and will include brain cell loss and finding out what our large-‘stached villain, Dr. Eggman, is up to this time.

            So we find later on that Eggman created a mind control gun powered by the Wisp aliens.  He uses it on Tails, Sonic’s fox friend (who has somehow been a kid for the last 20 years, but let’s not get into that), but before long, it runs out of power.  All right.  This is not quite what fuels my rage and disappointment.  Even later, near the end, Eggman tries to use it again, on Earth this time, but it doesn’t work.  And that’s all you ever hear of it.  It didn’t even need to be in the game.  They should’ve done more.  Come on, at least have Eggman mind control Tails and force Sonic to fight his best buddy.  Honestly, Sonic Team.  That would have been great.  You guys missed out on a great chance.  It could have made the game so much better.  As King Arthur said to the Black Knight in “The Holy Grail”, “You make me sad.”

SPOILERS END HERE

            We’re safe again.  Now, face the horror that is more of my thoughts and opinions.  Next up, Wisps.  My favorite is the pink one because it allows Sonic to go up walls and along ceilings and kill enemies and break certain blocks.  Delightful.  I also like the nega ones (which I think is short for negative, which are purple, but are not labeled by their color, apparently).  These turn Sonic into some crazy creature that destroys everything in its path and grows larger as it goes.  Scary, but also delightful.  The laser one’s neat, too, because you bounce off of things a bunch really fast.  The blue I didn’t like because of the sound effect when you use it.  But, it can break certain blocks and change blue tokens into blue blocks and vice versa, either creating platforms or unblocking your path.  It’s just that darn sound effect that disturbs me.

            Cuteness-wise, no mini sheep.  The Wisps aren’t my type of cute.  Except the nega ones.  Besides that, I find Dr. Eggman’s saucy little robot, Orbot, quite a delight.  And adorable.  He was in “Sonic Unleashed” originally, and I’m glad they brought him back.  I hope he’s in future games, as well.  (Where, though, are the chao?)

            Now there is something that has confused me for quite a while.  It’s another bit of proof that I may not be completely sane or maybe I just have no life, but here goes a much-needed analysis.  Subject…Dr. Eggman.  For those of you who don’t know, and it’s probably best you don’t, this bizarrely proportioned man is Sonic’s enemy, the equivalent of Bowser to Mario.  He’s apparently a genius with an IQ of 300, and yet he is constantly defeated by Sonic, a fast blue hedgehog.  Does it make sense that a mere hedgehog can destroy an evil super genius’s machines with such ease?  Just because he can ram into Eggman’s robots and ships at high speeds doesn’t warrant them to blow to bits like that.  No matter how fast Sonic is running, I bet if I had a head-on collision with him in my car, he’d turn into a red and blue splat.  Or maybe not.  That hasn’t happened yet.  And sometimes, Eggman’s machines just don’t work without any interference from Sonic at all.  Some genius.

            And what also has bothered me to no end, keeping me up into the wee hours of the morning, the wee ones, is the fact that the Doctor is the only villain with no followers whatsoever.  Or at least, one of the only ones.  All he has are robots, some of which don’t even like him, either.  Why does he even build robots that dislike him and even insult him?  If I was an evil genius, my robots wouldn’t sass me like Orbot does.

            And why does he even call himself Eggman?  I thought that was originally something Sonic called him as an insult.  These questions may never be answered.  I may ponder them forever.  I should email the Sonic Team, but they’d probably be annoyed.

            And my last question, this time just addressing Sonic.  Why does he drown in water, but he can breathe in space?  Same goes for the other characters in the other games.  I am confused.  If anything, you’d think it would be the other way around.

            Last of all, I have to mention that I rather enjoyed Eggman’s comments that you could hear throughout many of the levels.  I couldn’t hear or understand all of them, but the ones I did catch were quite amusing.  Here’s just a few.

1. Please refrain from licking the rides.  That would be disgusting.  (SweetMountain)

2. In no way will roaming bands of robots break into your vehicle.  (Tropical Resort)

3. No one can hear you scream, except the person sitting next to you.  Please be courteous to others.  No one likes a screamer.  (Asteroid Coaster)

4. Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle.  (I forgot part)  Keeping your hands and feet inside the vehicle will not keep you from getting hit by asteroids, but our lawyers tell us we have to say that anyway.  (Asteroid Coaster)

5. This ride is not for people under age 12 or over age 13.  It’s not safe for 13-year-olds, either.  (Carnival place, whatever it’s called)

6. Please make sure your safety harness is buckled securely.  Or at least really grip on to something.  (Asteroid Coaster)

That last one is my favorite.

An Average Speed Duck

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2 thoughts on “Now in Color

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